Wednesday, September 27, 2006

CRY Man, CRY !!

Is it right if men cry sometimes? That too in public? Yes, I am asking you.

After all, they are also human beings with all the same emotions as we women have. Then?? Then what’s wrong? Then where, what and why is the difference? What is keeping them to withhold their emotions?

Millions of times I must have heard this being told to opposite sex irrespective of his age “Hey, you should not cry, you are a man”.

While males and females have the same emotional capacity, they are taught very different lessons about how to handle their emotions. As we approach school age, all of us are made aware, "Big boys don't cry." And we small girls also start believing that, many times telling our “boy” friends how they should behave. Furthermore, we never see our dads and big brothers whimper every now and then.

Right from the beginning from his very early days in life, the male kid is being brainwashed of being a male. All people around him teach him only one lesson.

You are a boy, going to become a man..a strong man. You are NOT supposed to cry or weep or even show your emotions in public.

To enforce that embargo, those who couldn't hold back the tears had to endure the humiliation of being called a "girl”, a "sissy".

But where do the tears go? Where do all these emotions go? Sorry to say, they don’t disappear. They are still there, causing havoc. Is it because these men have held it in so long to believe that if they cry the tears won't stop? Perhaps the men just cry on the inside.

But why???

It really beats me. Look at this helpless, powerless, weak, self-emoting man. Why can’t this father moan openly at the sight of his son’s dead body? Is he not human or doesn’t he possess any emotions? Why are we after him to hide his true self? Why can’t he be normal?

Now, look at this famous picture of a young man during Gujarat riots.
With folded hands, crying profusely begging for his life. Do you think he was doing something terrifically wrong which he shouldn’t have done?

Emotions are to be felt, not acted on. As long as they are suppressed, we are tense and flustered. Most emphatically, suppressed emotions interfere with clear thinking. Ironically, in trying to control their emotions, most men wind up controlled by them.

If you happen to know cricket, do you remember Kapil Dev crying on TV when he was responding to the allegations of match fixing? That face of his is still fresh in my mind. I had also become tearful that time. When I can shed tears by just looking at the TV screen, why can’t he, who had gone through such pains, do that?

And again, recently in one of the talent search programs on ZEE TV, he almost cried.

What do you think of such fearless fast bowler of yesteryears? Or of all those firemen who broke down after rescuing people from the Twin Towers after 9/11 ??

But the truth is that a man feels trapped in an oppressive role that does not allow him the opportunity to freely express what he wants to. In other words, being a man has become very limiting and constrictive.

He is not suffering from a psychosexual compels, one of those women-trapped-in-men's-bodies syndromes. No. Nor is he homosexual or bisexual. Instead he is a man who wants the ability to express emotions and feelings as openly as the next woman.

The persistence of the emotionally alienated male addresses the political and social implications of male emotional release. Psychologists believe it is important to have a good cry. It is a proven fact that crying performs an important function by releasing stress hormones. And perhaps that is the reason why men are so angry, so restless and so helpless at times, a sheer psychological effect.

Anger is the most common emotion expressed by males. That is because men and boys feel more accepted by society when they express anger over what is considered to be the more ‘feminine’ emotions.

Why do so many men lose their tempers? The rage comes because there's so much frustration within. Yet that's what men do, the trap is worrying about what others will think - that it will lower their status or esteem. For men, the control of passions is the essence of masculinity and gentility. And that is the most pitiable picture today.

We all need to change it...change for better human emotions and understanding.

So guys, it is perfectly ok if you cry. Don’t hesitate. Open up, express yourself and CRY. No, nobody is going to laugh at you. We are here to comfort you, soothe you, understand you and LOVE you. We know that within your iron strong body there resides a tender & kind heart. We appreciate that very much. We are proud of you.

Now, I feel like giving you a big beary hug.

Current song- Dil Cheez Kya Hai, Aap Meri Jaan Leejiye – Asha Bhosale


Keshi said...

o man those pics made me CRY!

Ofocurse men can cry. I like men who can show their emotions better. By that I dun mean a man who cries 24/7 and walks ard like a dead zombie. :) But a man who isnt afraid to shed a tear when it should.

**"Big boys don't cry."

whoever said that...big boys do cry and it's darn sexy when that happens hehehe.


bharath mukkati said...

men do cry but they arent very sensitive like females hence dont cry often...

but most of the times we tend to suppress the cry for its believed that its feminine to cry... yeah wat you say is true. have to break from the fear of crying..

Mayank said...

What a post!! You cried our heart out. yes, we do feel emotional and want to cry but as you said we suppress our feelings.

Thanks again for being so supportive and thinking from our perspective. Kudos to you!

Wonderful, fantastic !! Keep it up.

Raj S said...

That is a wonderful post. It feels nice when someone thinks of us as human and emotional as you women. Yes, we suppress our feelings many times.

The last para moved me and I feel like crying now. Thanks for all your support.
I read your posts but normally don't put any comment. But this time you compelled me to do so by your writing. God Bless you.

alka said...

Men don't cry or express often that's why male population suffer from blood pressure and heart disease more than their female counterpart. Lat year I was in Escorts, and I hardly saw any female patient. It affects your health also. So men, just let go and have a good cry if you are feeling like it.

Cuckoo said...

Welcome back. I agree with you. There is no need to feel ashamed of crying.

Welcome once again to my blog. Exactly !! You hit the bull's eye. That's what I wanted to say. Don't suppress that, and keep visiting. :)

Thanks for so much liking the post. Yeah, I wanted to write from a man's perspective, how helpless they might be feeling at times. Any instances when you felt so??

Thanks for liking the post. Of course you guys are as human as we are! And you always have our support. So, finally you cried?

Ahaa! Now, I know why traffic and comment rates are totally mismatched here. Are you by any chance from B'lore In*****?? Err.. kidding. Relax.
Please do comment if you happen to visit & like the post, it encourages people like me.

Thanks for visiting. Good point. That is one of the reasons, I presume.

ketan said...

Yes, very true. I myself discovered many positive side effects of crying. Its sometimes so much soothing. Cried a lot while watching Munnabhai part 1 and 2. Kabhi khushi kabhi gham. :D
Strongly believe its very healthy to cry for men as well.
Strangely or not-so-strangely, I sometimes tend to cry alone while thinking of some past events and then feel very light. :)
Right, in my teens I was very concious of crying in public. Once cried badly infront of my mom and heard from her, boys dont cry('chhokro thaine rade chhe') ...
Nice post.

Anonymous said...

Introverts (like me) ususally find it hard to share (or show) any emotions in public. Now is it because they have been told not to cry or otherwise, I don't know...

But believe me, men cry. If not in public, surely when they are among their near and dear ones. Otherwise, have you seen what happens to a cooker which cannot whistle?

SiD said...

hmm... what to say.. as soon as i read the first few lines.. i knew i had to give this link to you ..
the post didnt make me cry but helped increase my respect for you and other women who think so!!!

SiD said...

And ya.. if u read that link(do it.. u may come to know much more abt the emotional side of men)...then u won't be wrong to think that the exactly same things were felt by the friend of the story ending in a pretty same climax ;)

Anonymous said...

Wow!!! what a thought provoking blog..:)
I fully agree with you.Actually the problem in the upbringing of a boy n that of a girl.i.e a girl is always made to feel that c's a girl & those so called broad minded parents also commit mistake by asking their girl child that "you r nt girl,you r my boy." Coz it's again differntiating a girl frm a boy... but had it been same upbringing...theres no diff btw a girl and a boy.
And crying is always good..nd also you know this is the reason that girls have a very less chance of heart attack...:)

Thanks for visiting my blog...:)

Maverick said...

hey cuckoo, gr8 to start reading ur blog from this post. As for me, i cry only infront of the people who r very close to me, or whom i dont know.and the reason is as u say the feeling 'wat will they think', but this reason i think is not bcos of being a man, any person no matter his sex is always conscious of this. and the stereo type placed on men tht they shdnt cry ofcourse adds to sucah a feeling, i have to accept.

but when i think in a very basic level, nature just made men n women, its we who have attributed characters to them n the rules of ' how they shd be' so naturally the emotions r all the same n the urges to express them r same too.

Tarun said...

Wow what a lovely post and that's true what you said for most of the men, I said most of it because you already gave some examples who actually cry and me 2 one of them.

rOmpy said...

Nice topic to broach...
I completely agree with you. Why can't Male and crying be seen as synonyms?
Agreed that nature has created the male variety of Homo sapiens to be tough and enduring, but expression can't see sex.
Expressions I believe are what make a person. A new born child lives with his expressions, talks and communicates with them. Cries, when he requires food, cries when he is not happy, and cries when he misses her mom :). So why can't Men cry, after all crying is one of the core expressions.

I cry a lot many times and have cried in front of lot many people, in public places, in confined corners, in bathrooms, at school, in front of ladies....and I don’t feel ashamed. My masculinity is not at all degraded by the fact that I cry.
In fact, I think Gals love men who cry in front of them and share there feelings with them. Personal Experience you see ;)

BTW, thanks for your opinions on my blog.

Cuckoo said...

First, let me bow and say a big thanks to all of you for visiting and commenting. I am flattered. Believe me, it came right from my heart. Though being a girl, I am ‘free’ to cry anywhere I want to, but I don’t. I wanted to cry day before y’day but couldn’t and I knew most of the men also face the same situation all the time.
It was a split-second decision to write something on this topic on my blog, probably to come out of that helpless state I was going through. But I chose to write from men’s perspective. This little blog has started becoming my friend and I hope to share many of my inner thoughts with it in future.
[NOTE- It took me less time for writing than posting this post (coz of images) :(( ].

Before I forget Cuckoo bows to all :))

Thanks for liking the post. Good that you cry. Keep doing it :) I agree with you, it makes you much lighter.
Is Munnabhai a serious movie? Now I wonder..

Me too an introvert. Never show my emotions to anyone. My emotions are not for public display and some of it not even for my close ones. It’s just me and my silence. But I think it's wrong. We should not suppress our feelings so much that it forms a volcano. Actually, it depends on lot of factors. Sometimes circumstances make you like this. But you guys always have one more burden..your sex. You are told NOT to do this.

Many thanks for giving me that wonderful link. I left a comment there as well. Read that. Thanks again. I salute you guys for being so strong. (and I am not talking about your gym wala strength :P)

Sunil & Maverick,
Welcome to my blog and thanks for liking the post. Yeah, agree with you, more than anything else it’s the upbringing (keeping society in mind) that tells us not to cry in front of others. Men have this extra burden of their sex not to show emotions though they would like to.

Thanks. You coming after a long time. Yes, it came right from my heart and I knew I had to write about it. Good that you cry. Keep doing that. Ir's good for health too.

Hey Welcome to this blog. Thanks for sharing your views.

crying is one of the core expressions. I agree with you. Good that you feel and behave the way you like. Many of us can't do that, of course because of various reasons.
Gals love men who cry in front of them and share there feelings with them. You hit the bull's eye!

Note- How mean of me.. I am asking all you guys to cry ;)

Anonymous said...

Yes true... but as long as you have an outlet for your emotions, you are fine. Oh, did you read this article about introverts? Good one...

And my dear fellow feathered, you are asking all of us to cry? Imagine the condition if every single one of us decides to cry on your shoulder, err... blog. Some doors are best left locked ;)

SiD said...

@rompy: ohh!! now I know the reason why u r able to attract so many gals..
yaaara, pehle bata deta..meri bhi koi GF ban jati.. chal is baar milenge.. to teach me how to cry.. hahahaha ;)

@cuckoo: in The Godfather, Don corleone says: A man is the one who doesn't display his emotions in front of everybody...
seeing the overwhelming response to this post.. guess for once
The Don was Wrong...

Cuckoo said...

Thanks. Nice link. Will discuss it later sometimes. :) And don't comment on my 'later' :D
LOLLLLLL... No comments.

Ohh why guys are always like that? Dear, don't go by bookish dialogues. Go by your heart and be yourself always. Though I liked the Godfather character, many traits of him but the book is not in my first 4 favourites as you can see.

And the response?? Yeah, even I am surprised. Maybe they were visiting this blog but not commenting. This post compelled them to write something. ;)

Anonymous said...

Sure... whenever "later" is convinient to you...

No comments? Ok, maybe I will reserve a place at the aerie on the cliff near us for you when your nest floods.

Anonymous said...

@Sid: Don't you think too many boys are coming out of closet on this topic. Don't want the girls to know our secrets, right?
That said, where can we get some glycerine? ;)

KT said...

well It has been commented by Sid but as soon as I saw ur post felt like directing you to Rompy'z blog...

I really feel nice... that you wrote this post....

I agree with the fact that men cry on the inside and that a good cry is important and it helps you get much needed relief. I know that because I do; although not in public I must admit.

Although the examples mentioned are a bit debatable for the theme here but you really strike your point well.

Perhaps such acceptance will only help reduce the gender imbalance in the society

SiD said...

@KT: abey KT - start doing it in public.. then u will also get GF's.. hahaha

@Fleiger: i am stopping by at chemists to get some glycerine...

@cuckoo: just having fun.. not in any way intended to lessen the seriousness of the blog.. ab maine socha..everyone has cried his bit.. so we shud be back to normal smiling self... after all it is better to smile any day than cry!!!

Anonymous said...

@Sid: Send some across to me, not sure whether I can get any here in chemists without prescription.

@Cuckoo: Agree with sid. Tell me, what would you prefer, a man who can cry or a man who can make you laugh?

Cuckoo said...

Welcome to this blog, don’t make it your only visit. Many Thanks for liking the post and your so encouraging words. I am equally happy that I wrote it. :)
Thanks for understanding my point. I too don’t show my emotions in public like you guys do and can understand how difficult it becomes at times to suppress the urge to cry.
Yeah, read Rompy’s post, it really touched my heart.
Thanks again. Keep visiting.

SiD & Fleiger,
No need to look here & there, I have bought a 10 litres bottle of glycerine for you. Let me know if it is too little, will arrange for more. Now come on, you two start crying :P Don’t you want GF’s ? ;) ha ha..

Many thanks for diverting some of the traffic this side ;) And yes, go ahead with your fun. Smile? Me too think the same.
After all, smile is a curve which sets a lot of things straight. :)

when your nest floods. So nice of you to take care of my floods ;) Thanks.
My choice?? A combination of both ;) not to mention 1000 other things.. ha ha

Anonymous said...

ANd what are those 1000?

Anonymous said...

don't keep crying in top 50... believe me, whatever boys say, they are not going to cry when with you.

Cuckoo said...

You are very wrong. If they feel comfortable, if they feel we can understand them and love them, they WILL. It takes time for an individual to open up. And it takes lot more time for a society to change. We can just extend our full support.
Personally, I would love to have a man who confides in me all his weaknesses/apprehensions/dark secrets to let me understand him better and he can be assured of my lifelong unconditional support, comfort and love. If he's able to share his feelings, emotions with me, I'll consider myself fortunate enough to have built such trust in him for sharing things.

And I am no one to change a person or the society. I just put forward my views.

P.S. (on a lighter note) - they are not going to cry when with you. How can they !! I am such a wonderful person, they'll be happy all the time when with me. :P

niki yokota said...

oh thank u for ur great topic!!
i cried yesterday at work and really depressed.. (>_<)
it would have been worse, if i dint cry.
releasing stress is a must for everybody!
and yeah i love that femine men who can cry in the public.

Anonymous said...

Hey, don't take it so seriously... I didn't say you are planning to change the world or anything. It is very hard ;)

Of course, you should know almost all about the person you want to spend your life with. You should also be able to share your feelings with him.

But you want dark secrets? Told you, some doors...

And I didn't mean they will cry because of you. I don't know you well enough for that *evil laugh*

Anonymous said...

Hey, just read your comment for me and sid. Tell me, how much glycerine does it take to get a gf on average?

SiD said...

@cuckoo: me too waiting eagerly for answer to fleiger's query..

and i am not the one who is diverting traffic... ur blog is the one who deserves credit.. not me!!!

Cuckoo said...

Thanks for sharing your views. :) Keep visiting.

SiD & Fleiger,
It was Fleiger's idea of getting glycerine, not mine. I was only helping you guys by arranging for it. BTW, ask Rompy, he doesn't need any !! Ha Ha..

Anonymous said...

Rompy doesn't need any, so how can we ask him? And you are a girl, you should know exactly how many litres of tears are required before you love the guy? ;)

Cuckoo said...

Ha Ha..My guy does not need any artificial glycerine neither I want a 24x7x365 crying, tail wagging zombie. It's ppl like you who want to resort to such alternatives for getting a gf ;)

And yes, no more discussions on this. :)

SiD said...

I wanted to continue... chalo... cant disobey with the maalik of the blog.. or mallikaa... whatever..

Cuckoo said...

Ha Ha.. ok, continue but don't divert from the topic. :)) Especially Fleiger :P

Anonymous said...

Yes ma'm...

Catmoves said...

I loved this post. Men, adult men, can, and do, cry. I think it may have something to do with how they are raised, how they view life, in fact, if they ever do view their own life.
There are times in everyone's life when there is really nothing to BUT cry. Stifling this need can result in a terribly lonely feeling.
Thank you for this needed post.

Cuckoo said...

Yes, I agree with you.

And many thanks for reading this old post of mine. Gives me immense pleasure if people come & read my archived posts.

Hope to see you more often.

Sam said...

a very true and apt post here. a set of rules and regulations set aeons ago have proved to be a burden on the present society!! just like women require liberation from certain preset mindsets and social rules, men to need the same. and all that they need is the license to be less stoical. wot they need to realise that being stiocal is damn foolish, it helps no one!! don't wanna cry wid everyone watchingf air enuf, cry wen u r alone..... its better than being angry!!
as for, i don't keep my emotions in chk, i don't remember the last time i cried, but do recall the last moment i had tears in my eyes!! and dats yesterday....

bEAST said...

Truly amazed with the depth of thought process you have expressed! I wish im able to analyze things so deeply someday. Men do cry, but it is a rarae sight. It is considered girly thing to do, coz girls cry far too often. So maybe if girls cried a bit less then they wud let men cry as well ;)

Jack Sparrow said...

Two things...
First Men dont cry(openly) beacause they are men,afterall what would be the diffrence between men & women if men too started sobbing like women ???

Secondly majority of times women cry using it as a last form of their defense,when nothing goes their way,they resort to crying & in process make the other person feel guilty as if he's the one responsible for torchering her through that agony...MEN CANT DO THAT!!!

I dont say 'men dont cry',every man does but not publicly like women.just imagine how would it feel if your father cried in front of you as often as your mother ???

Cuckoo said...

I am glad you liked this old post of mine. Gives me immense pleasure if people come & read my archived posts. Feel like the posts are still alive !

Yes, the age old preset rules of this world are difficult to digest now and it is upto us.. the today’s generation, to change it for betterment. I can understand your emotions.

Cheers now !!

What a name you have chosen to blog !! Beast with a golden heart ? ;)

Well, thank you for the appreciation. I am a thinker basically and perhaps that is why sometime back I was nominated for “Thinking Blogger Award”.

Well, now it is all in the mindset of people.. they have been brainwashed since centuries that it is a bad thing if men cry which, I, as an individual want to defy.

On girls crying a bit less… well I can guarantee about myself.. I hardly let people know when do I cry. Baki duniya ka theka maine nahi liya. :)
Thanks for your visit. Keep coming. :)

Jack Sparrow,
Welcome here on my blog.

Well, your first point was the contention of this post. My point is .. Why not ? Why can’t men cry in public if they FEEL so ? Who’s stopping them ? The society ? The family/friends ? Or their inner self ?
As far as I am concerned, I would say .. to hell with these man made rules which deny any person to ‘feel’ his/her emotions and forces him/her to act upon.

Your 2nd pt- I agree with you only upto some extent, for, I myself am an example who would not do it in public. It is extremely difficult to know what is going on inside me.
In fact, to be frank, this post was a result of a situation where I was not able to cry & felt suffocated. Then came a thought that if I can’t do it in front of some people whom I knew what about these men who constantly have to suppress their desire to express themselves ??

And yeah, I have seen my father crying once and we all felt it was ok.

I never said men should cry as often as women do but there is absolutely no harm if they cry. Come on, you too are a human after all with all emotions. Don't chain yourself with these unrealistic egoistic rules.

Also, I don't agree with your statement of 'blaming men for their cry'. My views are very different. I wish you read some of my posts to get an idea of my thinking.

Oh the discussion will go on. Thanks for your visit and keep coming. :)

Tshhar Mangal said...

A point madam...woman re said to be more prone to tears...and men not,,,
its not just is the way God wants us to be...
take this of my relatives died...he was perhaps the second most eldest person in my all ladies re crying and venting out emotions...should the menfolk too,,,we cant afford to cry...if we also start who is going to handle everything...the arrangemnts,,,the funeral..and the most important...the ladies of the house...they need some support too
...when my massi died,,,i ran her household for 10 days without a tear in my eye because every other lady was so shocked at her early desmise....
I would nvr agree men to cry...especially in public...
One day we may have to head our families...
In our societies the patriachs need to be strong faced people..soemone who re strong mental support to us
not people who re often found crying in public...
And ya certain incidents so move us...we can get sentimental but plz menfolk dont start sobbing in public...
i for once disagree with you madam

Cuckoo said...

Welcome here on my blog. Glad to see you reading one of my archived posts. It gives me immense pleasure and satisfaction. Thank you.

Before we start, I would request you to call me Cuckoo, not madam. I am comfortable this way.

Well, what you are saying is how we all were brought up in this world. Isn’t it ? We were all told that boys shouldn’t be crying & eventually they have to become a strong man. That’s what I wrote in post, right ?
Well, I agree but do you think men don’t have emotions like we women have ? Or they are stone hearted ? Don’t you guys feel pain at the sight of something bad ? Yes, you do feel the pain. Only thing is you are not able to express it because you’ve been taught to keep mum.

I salute you guys for suppressing your feelings & putting up a strong face in front of the world. As you very well said, it is expected of you guys to run the show. We women are so very weak in this matter; we start crying at every step and leave everything on you guys to handle.
I never meant that you should always start crying at the drop of a hat but it is perfectly ok if you happen to cry or want to cry. Do not suppress yourself & your emotions. Not good for health. Not good for mind.

Thanks for voicing your opinion. Keep coming.

Tshhar Mangal said...

Wel cuckoo..i understand ur point..
and u r somewat rite too
...but its not tht how re we brought up...its a sense of responsibilty
thts i said before its the way god made us..,i say this maybe because no one ever taught me tht i shuldnt cry or anyhting like tht
...and thanx for the welcome :-)