Monday, September 10, 2007

The Weak Link of Insecureness

Yesterday when I read a post on Black’s blog, it made me mull over many things, above all was the insecure mind of Indian males. Albeit this could happen anywhere in the world but the Indian male is surely insecure. The insecurity which slowly takes away the life from our lives. Why Indian males ? Because so far I have not come across to proximity with any non-Indian male.

The Indian male has no qualms over having a good, close female friend (other than his girl/wife/partner) in his life. He does not mind any other girl to be close to him, enjoys the richness and reciprocates the same warmth.

But when the scenario is reversed, it is a hard thing to digest.
He can not tolerate his own girl/wife/partner to be close to some other male.
If she is, then it haunts, his life becomes miserable, he makes her life the same.. tries to guard her and her activities. In short, the shroud of mistrust starts to develop. The crack in their relationship starts to show up. Somewhere deep down in his heart, he starts feeling insecure.

Here, I am not talking about just a casual Hi/Hello friend of opposite gender but somebody with whom we have and want to share some deep secrets and thoughts of our lives and who is very dear to us.

Why do you think we Indians always address every other male than the father of a child as his ‘mama’ = (maternal uncle) ? Why we make that man a brother of the mother ? The insecurity that hovers over male dominated society forces to do that.

I don’t say this phenomenon is not present in girls. It is very much part of their life as well but to a limit. Why ?? Because when someone comes to a girl's life, she tends to go away from her present male friends. I think the girls know that this would/could create problems later and this is what is expected of her.

I am wondering what happens to the friendship between a guy and a girl after one of them gets a steady partner, especially the girl. I wonder if I can tell my man tomorrow, that I have a male friend with whom I share some secrets and beautiful moments and would like to continue the same. No, I am not talking about having sex with my friend but a sacred & cherished friendship.

Will my man take it in his stride ? What would be his reaction ? He is certainly not going to like it. Will he then allow me to remain friends with that male friend of mine ? The chances of getting a NO are almost certain. If you argue, you’d probably get a reply like “When I am there why do you need another male friend ?”.

So, I, as an individual, will not be allowed to retain my (male) friends once I have committed to a relationship. What if I want to forever cherish the old friendship ? Does that mean I should build my relationship with this guy without any commitment or should I not tell my guy about my existing male friend ?
But I also firmly believe that trust, honesty and integrity set the foundations for any long relationship to flourish... be it marriage or otherwise.

Can’t say I am confused because I know what I am expected to do but at the same time I would like to emphasis that whatever happens in life... my special friend is going to be an integral part of me. I am NOT going to part with him.

Again.., can I do it ?

Current song- Sab Kuch Kaisa Acha Acha Lagta Tha – Ghulam Ali
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118 comments:

Pijush said...

Oh Dear Cuckoo, this problem is not with Indian men only, probably with every men and this kind of mentality is inherited from age-old traditions.
Now slowly the world is changing, people are getting educated; they want different kind of relationships. Marriage or relation is now not for having baby rather to have a good friend with whom you can be for your entire life.
It’s a short of bullying – people can only take you from granted, if you allow them. Same thing can be applied for relation, a women can also do the same with a men and believe me the percentage is not very small.

But one thing I can not agree, about the insecurity of Indian male, rather It’s visa versa. The insecurity of Indian female which allows men to behave like this, which is not in the female of developed countries. They are far more mature.

Now if we consider the boundary of intimacy, its again a controversial issue. The boundaries are constantly changing in Indian society and it depends on the couple, how much they rely each other and they are comfortable.

I agree with your point that trust, honesty and integrity set the foundations for any long relationship to flourish... be it marriage or otherwise but the issue you have discussed is a social out come of many different issues, so its not wise to point out Indian males only :-)

Hope you are OK with my logical criticism. Take care and be happy

Pyare Mohan said...

Well, i dont think you can generalise this issue. Come to think of it, India's population is majorly in the rural region, wherein openness in friendship with the opposite sex is still taboo. So yes, it does authenticate your claim of the insecurity of the Indian male, but doesnot unauthenticate the insecurity of the Indian woman.

Insecurity is a root problem in an individual. You can talk about yourself but not on behalf of the entire Indian Womanhood!

Mayank said...

Again a very thought provoking post.
And i agree with you that indian males are insecured in this matter. However loudly we claim about our modern attitude and developing openness, the fact remains that inside our hearts we do not want our females to be very close to other male. Neither physically nor emotionally.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. We males should accept the reality.

And I do not agree with pyare mohan who says you are speaking for entire womanhood. You are talking about your mental state.

This time Cuckoo you are going to get bash from most of the readers since most of them are males. :-)

All the Best!

Iceman said...

u can...

Aditi said...

hmmm i think its a difficult balance but it can be done.. i would hope guys understand.. i know most dont but the generation is changing

Fleiger said...

And you were talking about stale news???

Anyways, without starting gender-wars, I think this goes on on both sides of fence. I have seen girls becoming crouching tigresses when meeting somebody their b/fs had crush on in 8th std., and seen married girls comfortable in having a close male friend, as are their husbands.

I would say that with commitment comes suspicion, and jealousy is actually a integral part of any relationship. As long as it does not get out of hand, or become obsessive...

Mansi Desai said...

Too sensitive a topic to be discussed here, huh??!! funny how u got so many comments from the guys!!:)

Priyank said...

Interesting topic Cuckoo. Its difficult to draw a line for either sex. I believe the problem is bigger for women due to the type of society we live in (and indeed, this is not just limited to India)
That said, I feel a little good to see that in India, atleast 'male bonding' is considered acceptable - you know, putting hand over the shoulder etc. In the west, you spend days and weeks without being touched by anyone, except your partner ofcourse. It's not a good feeling... ;)

Praveen G K said...

Thoughtful post!!! Have never thought about this, but I guess everyone has that feeling of possesiveness, irrespective of the sex!!!

Praveen G K said...

And by the way, can you please provide the link to Black's blog?

mathew said...

highly flammable topic..I agree though that partly due to do with male brain wiring which is highly protective and wary of losing someone..but most folks after sometime do understand if the couple knows each other very well in the first place..

Peter said...

What you write here is in line with what I have also read on Monas' blog. I learn more and more about the Indian society! So, I could say, try to get a non-Indian partner? Well, I don't know how "perfect" we others are, but there may be a difference! (Now, I will get some Indian male reactions!) ... and I would even add that I don't understand Priyank's comment about "not being touched"?

Anyhow, I beleive things are changing and we are all getting more and more similar, for good or bad!

bEAST said...

Hard one to comment on! Maybe because I still havnt sorted my thoughts about the thing. Can say that I had some such friendships. In some of them her guy even knew about my existence and that she was closer to me than she was to him. Never had any problems. But then Im not sure about my comfort level if something similar was to happen to me. The thing that comes to my mind is that I would prefer it if my partner doesn't require the special frnd. I should be able to fullfill all that she wants. The need for her to share secrets with sum1 else shudn't arise. If her special frnd is one my best mates then I dont think it wud bother me. But then the thot of her alone with sum1 im an complete stranger to is not really comforting. So I would say that there are many factors that come into consideration. It deff is complicated!!

Mumbai Guy said...

Cukoo ji - You have got most of it so confused and wrong. First - Indian guys are not insecure. Dont know why you have to add "indian" word here. Did you check with non-indian guys? You should and then you will have rewrite of this post.

I dont buy your explanation coz your explanation is so out of place.

Friendship and relationship differs from place to place and from custom to custom and from individual to individual. No one can define it. What is right for one person may be completely wrong or unacceptable to other.

Please dont generalize the thoughts. Like everything in life, it depends. Your thoughts I know but I just dont agree.

Keshi said...

Im glad ur determined abt ur friendships Cuckoo, no matter what.


**He can not tolerate his own girl/wife/partner to be close to some other male.

thats being very selfish. Sorry to say this but most Indian/Sri Lankan men r like that!



Keshi.

sAg_NiK said...

Cuckoo,
Honestly i'll NOT feel any insecurity,BUT will wonder abt our closeness,our level of intimacy,that why she needs somebody else to share her intimate thoughts when i'm here!!

'Cos otherwise,each n every human being (BOTH male n female)has an urge to share his/her very intimate thoughts with somebody.....and if they cant share with their partners,it bound 2b with someone else,say 'friends'....irrespective of their partner's approval. :-()

maverick said...

call it insecurity, call it possesiveness or call it whatever, but when u love someone so much, u surely want him/her to reciprocate it. As long as one makes another feel that she/he is the most important person in ones love, no link is week. Its only then when one starts feeling less important do all these complexes come around. And yes this is equally true for both men and women. And yes it is that simple.

sAg_NiK said...

Now Cuckoo,
plse tell us,what'll b ur reaction if ur partner reveals that he has some female frnd with whom he's very close...shares ALL intimate things over years n MORE CLOSE than you ????

Will u take-it-easy OR feel insecure???

Plse say what u'll really feel RATHER what u shud be 'ideally' !!

Sagnik

Cuckoo said...

Pijush,
Wow !! Now that’s called a comment !! I am so happy to see your detailed comment here. I like it when people get into discussions like this. :-) Thanks.

Oh you are so much worried about the Indian males. :-) I knew it’d come in from all my Indian male readers and that is why I very clearly mentioned in the second line of this post “This could happen anywhere in the world.. ”.

And though I have a few female friends from other countries, I have not been very close to any of their male counterparts. So, I think I can talk only about my countrymen. I agree with you on ‘world is changing’ thing but I think you got me wrong somewhere.

The insecurity of Indian female which allows men to behave like this,.. I feel like laughing here. Sorry, you can’t always blame us for your (male community, not you alone) this kind of behaviour. And yes, of course it all depends on how as an individual you take it.

I just tried to mumble about the apprehensions of a male whose partner ALREADY has a very close male friend and she has very honestly declared this to him.

Just one question to you. Tomorrow if your wife tells you that she has one male friend for last so many years with whom she shares all the secrets (including dark ones) & is very comfortable in doing so, what would be your reaction ?
Don’t say what it should be, say what would be YOUR reaction to it. Will you still allow her to be close to him.. more closer than she is to you ? Without any insecure feeling ??


Well, this question is to all male readers & that's the reason why it is in bold.

Note:- Read Beast's comments above. I think his reply is the most honest.

Cuckoo said...

P M,
Well PM, I am not trying to generalize the issue and please don’t take it personally. If you don't want to agree, feel free to do that.
Also, I did mention that women also feel the same way... I will write something on it some other time as what could be the reasons.. absolute my views. And fyi, I AM talking about myself.. my apprehensions. :-)

Cuckoo said...

Mayank,
Thank you for understanding the post.

Well, some people don’t seem to agree with your or my viewpoint.

This time Cuckoo you are going to get bash from most of the readers since most of them are males.... Ha Ha.. it has already started. Ouch !!

Cuckoo said...

Iceman,
Oh thank you Iceman but I don’t think it is as simple as it looks like.

Cuckoo said...

Aditi,
Thank you..
Yeah, the generation is changing. I too HOPE guys would understand. Being a female is lot more difficult where you have to balance between your husband / partner and your best friend whom you just don’t want to let go.

Pijush said...

Dear Cuckoo,

I have not opposed this issue, I agree most of it but I am not agreeing on the following points.

1) Both the words INDIAN and MALE : You have simplified, narrowly pointed a general issue to one category. It sounds to me like every Muslim is a terrorist and all Chinese are liar.

2) Insecurity of Male : Its absolutely rubbish. I think I am possessive to my partner only because I love her. Yes If I was married to Princess Diana, then I could have felt insecure :-)

What I am trying to say is the issue you mentioned here is outcome of different social issues. 65% of Indian female are illiterate, 90% of them are unemployed. How can they be secure? May be Cuckoo belong to the rest 10%, but the general case is very different. Poverty, social taboo and many other factors are there.

Now the answer of your question, Tomorrow if your wife tells you that she has one male friend for last so many years with whom she shares all the secrets (including dark ones) & is very comfortable in doing so, what would be your reaction?

Obviously I will be depressed, because I need transparency in my relationship. Trust is also important to me. But I will accept her if I feel that she has honest feeling to me, she is not taking me for granted, But a strict no if she crosses the boundary.

But the funny part is I asked the same question to my wife. What will she do if I have the same what will she do? She replied – she will just quit the relationship.

So the boundary entirely depends on the individuals.

May I ask you, what will you do if your BF( or would be Hubby) shares physical intimacy with another girl?

So now its my time to laugh in your comment.

Just relax and Njoy the life,
Jio Bindas coz “Kal ho na ho”.

Why to fight – lets take it light :-)

Rakesh said...

Hi,
First of all thanks for leaving your footprints on my blog and I will definetly come with more of it.


Now, the question you have raised is not that is inherit in nature of man.
It is such that we had been brought up in such a society that never accept a friendship of Girl and a Boy.

And, fear of what society say is more than personal fear in more of early say.

Agree with you pertially, because man is week when it comes to his relations. He is one who is close to his partner only and can able to show his emations to her only.
But when he cames to know, that his partner is also concern for somebody, he thought his care has been divided.

Well, people are getting more mature on the relations side and they accept the frenship of their mate with other person.

Anonymous said...

@Everyone,
I don't want to attract any personal attention and thus going anonymous here. Kindly refrain yourself from any attempts in trying to figure out my identity :). Just kiddin

I'm not in India. Have spent last one year here and been exposed to people from all the different cultures and races imaginable. One of the key things that I have noticed here, is that the whole girl boy thing does not exist here. Most of my time I travel by buses. More than often the bus is empty or half filled. I try to observe as to how very non-racist is this society Im in. So usually when I'm sitting on a seat alone, I try to take note of as to if a caucasian tries to sit next to a caucasian, or if an asian prefers to sit next to an asian etc. So at times when all the seats in the bus are half occupied, and some one walks into the bus, I have noticed the following things...

1. The indian will always walk up to an Indian no matter even if the other guy is at the end. They give second preference to non-locals. Such as africans etc. A major thing, they will not sit next to an Indian woman. Never. They prefer to stand if no other seat is available. They try to seat themselves with members of the same sex.

2. The asians always sit next to asians and tend to start a conversation in their mother tongue. The asian will always try to sit next a member of the opp sex. always.

3. The caucasians do not seem to discriminate. They would sit on the nearest available seat preferably close to the exit doors. The women don't discriminate between genders. They just don't seem to give a damn. I have as much a chance of the beautiful woman walking in to the bus to be sitting next to me, as the girl sitting alone opposite me. Here they just dont giv a damn abt it. They don't care if you are a boy ya girl. They dont. To them you are a person. Thats that. So here a male doesn't care if his wife'e frnd is male or female. He is just her frnd thats it.

So in their minds there is no girl boy thing. So I'm not wrong in trying to say that yes it the Indian mentality at fault here. The concept is too deep to try to explain here, the smart ones would have understood by now :)

Sum1 said sumthin about not being touched in the west. Cmon dude. Are you trying to say that in india you had more women touching you than in west? I just can't agree to it. I'm touched by women everyday here, much more than what would happen in India. Im sure that it has more to do with youself for them not to not want to touch you :) just kiddin

Not only indian male, but women to?
Ok I agree that Indian women are insecure too. But then women are not really equal in our society. How much of a say do they have? In what percentage of such cases can a wife break off her relation with her husband? And yet it is so much more easier and common for a man to break off the relation based on his mere suspicion. We run into such cases every now and then, don't we. So you still want to talk about how insecure the women feel when they don't really get to voice it? Duhh

About what cuckoo would feel if her hubbie was having sex with some other chick?
Hey, I guess you need to re-read the post and analyze what is written there. She talks of a frndship in it's purest form. Trust me, such frndships do exist. You didn't exp it? stop thinking from below your belt and you will exp it. See you have drifted away from the topic.

Our society our culture has imposed all this on us. It was a part of the package. Yes our society is adapting, changing slowly. But still we are not yet over this.

There is nothing wrong in admitting your insecurities. We need to discuss these things to be able to overcome them. How else?

A story my mom narrated to me once...
there was a saint traveling around with his disciples. They run into a very beautiful prostitute. The saint looks at her in disbelief as to how very beautiful a human being god can create. He says "God is beautiful" and plants a kiss on her cheek. The disciples seize the opportunity and each ones says "God is beautiful" and kiss the prostitute. The saint doesn't say nothin. Later as they proceed further they come across redhot iron slab. The saint says "God is beautiful" and kisses the the slab. He is not harmed or injured. The disciples... ahh you know they cudnt kiss the slab.

So it is all in the way you see things. And the way we see this, aint really good :)

Lot of non-sense there. Rite? Im glad I did this anonymously :)

ashes said...

You wait for one day and you would have to read two dozen comments on Cuckoo's post. :)

Anyways, about insecurity, I see that times are changing, and men are getting confident about relationships. I have one such very close friend, and this is exactly the kind of friendship you are talking about a sacred relation but where you share each and every thing. The husband knows about me since the very beginning, and our friendship is quite transparent to him. I believe there have been no problems whatsoever. But yes, it would take lots of trust for him to do so.

On the other hand, I have seen two very good friends getting parted because the guy's wife was so insecure she could not tolerate his retaining his old friendship with a female.

I would not have any issues about my partner being very intimate with another man, as long as I am in the loop. In fact, I would try to be good friends with him also so that all three of us have a good time together. Echoing Maverick, these complexes and insecurities come when one feels less important.

I, as an individual, will not be allowed to retain my (male) friends once I have committed to a relationship: Do you have to be allowed to choose your friends even in this digital age? And look who is talking? The feminist Cuckoo?

Pyare Mohan said...

Cuckoo,
thanks for the clarification, and i did not take it personally, albeit i feel most of the time women take it personally and make it a crusade against men. I accept we are not the perfect people in the world, and neither are women and these idiosyncracies are the essence of life... If everything was perfect, then imperfection would have been perfect!

I do understand your concerns, but you need to be open about it, and if the guy you get married to has a problem with that, too bad... it was a bad choice you made!! :-) cheers,
PM

Cuckoo said...

Fleiger,
Come on, Fleiger. Can’t you leave that aside, please ?

Well, I completely agree with you. Both are insecure but not to the same degree. Females have a lot tougher job. And it varies from individual to individual.

The feeling of being left behind compared to the other person in your partner’s life can be killing. Requires a lot of guts, trust and courage to accept that.

Cuckoo said...

Mansi,
Welcome abroad !
funny how u got so many comments from the guys… Why funny? All of them are dear friends to me, so they are bound to comment. Moreover, they are the ones who are offended here I guess.

Anyways, thanks for your visit. Keep dropping.

Cuckoo said...

Priyank,
Thank you. Yes, I completely agree with you on that society part. Women face a bigger problem and that’s what my contention was. As I also said, it may not be limited to India but it is more prevalent here.

:-) Male bonding… I understand it. Reminds me of ‘saale kaisa hai tu?’. Don’t know whether you’ve read this post of mine or not. Well, the bonding is there in west also. I have seen it. So won’t agree with you.
But you really need to be a friend of the other person to be hugged. People don’t hug you without any reasons and since you are in foreign land, that too in such a depressing country (in winters), I can understand your feelings.

Come back to India or make good friends over there if you want to be hugged. :-)

Cuckoo said...

Praveen,
Oh never thought ? Then it’s time to think !! :P

Yes, everyone has and should have a feeling of possessiveness but the women have a tougher job to handle in the sense that they can't do much about it even if they want to. Think of it deeply, then you’ll come to know. :)

And the link to Black’s blog is been provided. I missed out somehow. Sorry, for the inconvenience.

Cuckoo said...

Mathew,
Thank you. Yes, it is indeed a flammable topic !!
partly due to do with male brain wiring which is highly protective and wary of losing someone.. I agree with you on that. Thank you for understanding the post.

My contention was when a guy & a girl are very close friends for quite sometime and then the girl marries someone else, can those friends still remain friends ?

Cuckoo said...

Peter,
Yes, you know more & more about India. :) Though both of us told something about what happens in our country, my post is not in line with what you saw there. That was a kind of robbery described there and I am talking about human behaviour and relations.

Well, non-Indian partner ? :-) They are definitely different, I am sure of that.

Priyank was talking about the male bonding.. the hugs between friends. And he is NOT talking about the gay things.

I believe things are changing and we are all getting more and more similar, for good or bad!.. Spot on !! Lets hope for the best.

Cuckoo said...

Beast,
Thank you very much. I am glad that you understood the post correctly and came out with the most honest comment.
And thanks for sharing your experiences with us. Yeah, when it comes to us, we tend to apply different rules.

Even I would try to be everything for my partner so he does not have to go anywhere but what if he already has such a friend before coming in my life ? And his friend is a complete stranger to me ?

It is complicated, delicate & sensitive issue and varies from person to person.

akanksha said...

Well,that was such a relevant thing to write about..we all face this in somre form or the other...and deciding to quit a friendship for a relationship is certainly not what i think i would do..afterall how cn a relationship be a sucessful one if it rests on the grave of a beautiful frndship.

anyways, u are tagged.visit my blog for details.Blogrolled you too!

ashes said...

In continuation with my comment above: I feel insecure at times being the close friend of a married girl, where we share an intimate yet sacred bond, that I may be thrown out at any point of time, either because she may no longer need me, or maybe due to obligations from our social system that we've been talking about above.

Peter said...

You obviously read only Monas's last post. She has several times talked about the roles men / women, about marriages, about dowries...

Cuckoo said...

Mumbai Guy,
I am glad you have voiced an opinion here which I assume is NOT your honest one. Come on, don’t be superficial, have a heart to admit it.

I agree with you only on one point. ---> “Friendship and relationship differs from place to place and from custom to custom and from individual to individual.”.
For rest please refer to my right sidebar which has something to say to my readers. It goes like this---> "it has my take and views as I see the world. You are free not to agree with me.”.
So, you are free not to agree. :-)

Cheers !! And keep coming.

Fleiger said...

Leave what aside?

I agree, it depends on the individual, and how suspicious/jealous/trusting/open he is. What I have found (at least in my friend circle) is that having a close friend of opposite gender helps a lot by making you that much more open to friendships.

But I can't get what you mean by "Females have a lot tougher job"?

AJEYA RAO said...

Nice post. Debatable :-) I disagree with you here slightly.

Well, I think this suspicion thing is equal in both sides....in a man as well as in women. Its only because of our customs that this nature of men is highly noticed. But i have seen the way women react to their husbands even talking to the any strangers...any girl they have seen for first time, women tend to look that in a suspicious manner.

Now in modern times, this is less among our generation. we are more global and braod minded. this will take some time to change.

But talking of my friends (Girls) they still are my good friends. "S" and I have been friends from first standard and she now married, is still my best friend, And her husband has never felt this insecurity. Not only this, other friends of mine too have kept in touch with me after marriage.

So i think its all in the attitude. Its how we introduce our friends to our spouse, how open we can be in letting them know what the relationship is...We have to be frank to them. A descent friendship if it is, then does not require any explanation.

But also, once we have a partner with us, of course the major part of our attention goes to them and friends do take back stage slightly whihc is unevitable, its in us i guess, how we maintain a balance.

Cuckoo said...

Keshi,
Thanks a lot for your support. I thought I am going to be killed by some of the readers here. ;)

And yes, I agree to that. Most of the Asian males are like that if I am not mistaken. Now, no one should comment whether I have experienced them or not. No, but I have observed them.

Cuckoo said...

SagNik,
First Chillax !!

Why are you so much hyper ? Again you are showing a typical trait of male species. Please don’t get offended.

I am glad to know that you are not at all insecure. Keep it up dude !!

each n every human being (BOTH male n female) has an urge to share his/her very intimate thoughts with somebody..... Spot on !! I completely agree with you. Then what is the problem ?

plse tell us,what'll b ur reaction if ur partner reveals that he has some female frnd with whom he's very close...shares ALL intimate things over years n MORE CLOSE than you ????.. Oh, I am NOT so great like you. I’ll definitely feel insecure initially if he is more close to her than me but will try to meet her and see what type of bonding they both have and will try to build a closeness upto that standard. I’ll also try to become friends with her so that we three can enjoy the time together. It’ll happen slowly. But the kind of person I am, I’ll surely give it a chance. :)

Plse say what u'll really feel RATHER what u shud be 'ideally'.. FYI, I always put my honest views. I just can’t be superficial unlike many others. I don’t have any qualms in admitting my weaknesses. After all I am a human being.

Cuckoo said...

Maverick,
Yes, one can call it anything but the basic thing is to feel “wanted”. One should feel that s/he is still very much wanted & is loved in the relationship. Absolutely true.

I agree, the concept is simple. But I don’t think it is so simple to apply. The feeling of being left behind compared to the other person in your partner’s life can be killing. As I said to Fleiger, it requires a lot of guts, trust and courage to accept that.

The Black King said...

Wow... nice post and even better discussion going on here. I think I've said a lot in my own post, and the only thing that I would add here is that perhaps it is not gender-specific, much less nation-specific. I know a few people who live in the foreign shores and have heard similar stories there too.

akanksha said...

Well,i think u took my coment in a wrong way...i didnt mean to tell u what to write but i only appreciated the topic u chose to write about.
And about the tag, i saw lots of tag like posts on ur blog, although didnt have enough time to go through them, so i thought u might be some one who enjoyed the tags.
And i didnt visit ur blog to tag you.....it was just a randon click which got me here without any motive...i dont go around the blogosphere just to tag people.

I passed the tag just to strt a new friendship..thats all.

Cuckoo said...

Pijush,
I am glad you have voiced your opinion here. I like it when different people write different views and get involved in healthy discussions.
But please don’t get offended and I can see from your comment that you have taken it personally.

Well, if you have read my full post, I did mention that it is present in females also but to a lesser %. Why ? It’ll need another post, so please allow me to write it later.

Indian males – Yes, I still stick to my views especially b'coz I am a woman.

Insecurity of males- As Maverick has very well said.. call it insecurity, possessiveness or whatever.. we do feel restless when our partner talks about his/her intimacy with some other person of our gender. And yes, it requires a lot of guts, trust and courage to accept that person. And it depends from person to person how s/he takes it.

Why not females ? Because she is never secure in first place so question of her feeling insecure doesn’t arise.

Ha Ha… I am happy to know your wife’s innocent views. You better be careful now. ;)

Now your question.. what will you do if your BF( or Hubby) shares physical intimacy with another girl?

First, watch out ! You have started attacking me personally.
Second, you have not read the post carefully. NOWHERE it talked about being physical.
Third, if that happens (sharing physical intimacy).. I’ll kick him out of the house.
Period.

Oh, you were so sarcastic !!

Please refer to my right sidebar which has something to say to my readers. It goes like this---> “it has my take and views as I see the world. You are free not to agree with me.”.
So, you are free not to agree. :-)

Cheers !! And keep coming.

Cuckoo said...

Rakesh,
Oh you don’t have to thank me as I was doing only a courtesy visit after you dropped in here.

Yes, the society. Thanks a lot for understanding my viewpoint and agreeing to it.

Well, everyone will feel the same way.

Cuckoo said...

Anonymous,
Though I don’t like anonymous commenters but in this case I am glad I have kept open my comments for all. I appreciate your gesture very much.

Oh thank you very much whoever you are !! Thanks for supporting me & my views. I felt so much lonely here. Thanks for clearing the air and putting across your views. Much appreciated.

I loved your detailed opinion on the subject. :-)

Just one thing I want to mention is about Priyank’s comments… He never meant touching by women. He was talking about male bonding.. hugging .. a kind of ‘jadu ki jhappi’ which he is missing in the country he is residing now.

Priyank said...

oops! hahaha... There you go, my comments being completely misread! Thanks Cuckoo for clarifying!! It's funny how perceptions develop when we are communicating thru keyboards :)

Cuckoo said...

Priyank,
Yup, you are very much right. :-)

I don't know why it is easy for me to understand things that go bouncers for others. ;)

adi said...

some response you have generated :)
hmmmm
so what do i do, as i can see both sides of the argument?
all i wud venture is that, if the couple is dedicated and motivated enough, they can carry their relationship till the very end. insecurities, yes, are a part of everybody's life, whether male or female, it is our responsibility to get over them individually. the partner can and should help the best he/she can, but nobody should be allowed to trample on anybody's sense of freedom in relationships.
and in the end, if u r not ok with it, u can call it quits. right?

Cuckoo said...

Ashutosh,
Thank you for this thought. Buoy, you pamper me a lot. :-)

Thanks for sharing your experience and views with us. Yes, this kind of sacred relation does exist and I can say you are fortunate to have such a friend in your life. May God bless you both…ooops you three ! How can I leave her dear husband behind ?

I would try to be good friends with him also so that all three of us have a good time together... Spot on !! Yeah, very much right you are. Me too of the same opinion. One can call it anything but the basic thing is to feel “wanted”. One should feel that s/he is still very much wanted & is loved in the relationship.

But I don’t think it is so simple. The feeling of being left behind compared to the other person in your partner’s life can be killing. As I said to Fleiger, it requires a lot of guts, trust and courage to accept that. At times, we may not be able to do that.

I may be thrown out at any point of time, either because she may no longer need me, or maybe due to obligations from our social system that we've been talking about above… No, it won’t happen that she’ll not need you since you are there for her all these years, her husband knows you well and why would anybody throw you out without any reasons unless it is because of society. Just pray that it doesn’t happen. I wish you both all the joy and happiness for this beautiful bond.

Do you have to be allowed to choose your friends even in this digital age?.. Keep is the correct word. :-)
Yes, this is male dominated country and the males still have an upper hand. Cuckoo is feminist, not the world. *Sigh*

Cuckoo said...

PM,
if the guy you get married to has a problem with that, too bad... it was a bad choice you made!!.. Ha Ha… too bad !!

Thank you for understanding. ;)

Pijush said...

Now I am really offended.

“First, watch out! You have started attacking me personally.” How I don’t know, its you who asked something about me and my wife first. I taken it sportingly And I asked about someone who does not exists, -- you replied it as personal attack?

Read your first comment to me where you have written about dark secrets and now I asked it in a different way redefining another boundary which depends on individuals, how you can relate it to the post? I have not found anything there related to dark secrets!!

I never told anything against the true friendship. Read my comments once more where I have said both the times that I agree with you except these points.

Now I am a bad boy as I don’t agree with you :-)
I think its better to put comments like “Nice Post”, “Thought provoking post” etc etc.

Take care .

Cuckoo said...

Akanksha,
Welcome to my blog !!
Thank you for your thoughts.
Oh no, you took me the wrong way, girl. I am not talking about your comments here. It was for your tagging thing.
I am amazed to see someone tagging me on her first visit to my blog !! I mean I can’t do this unless I build a rapport with a person.

Yeah, you saw lots of tags on my blog but didn’t have time to see what are they or who tagged me. I just told you that I don’t like to take a tag from a stranger who comes only once to my blog just to tag me. And in the end I also said that I'll take the tag but do it only after I complete my incomplete ones. I am extremely sorry if I hurt you.

But girl, why you deleted my comment from your blog then ? It was neither abusive nor off-topic. It was a positive criticism. You are making good use of Comment moderation, that’s all I can say.

Grow up girl ! If you want to go a long way. That’s not the way to behave. You need to take positive criticism in your stride. On one hand you want to make me your friend & on the other can't even take that criticism ??

See here on my blog, how much I have to deal with. :-)

Cuckoo said...

Peter,
Oh yeah, read only the last post. Anyways, I have her blog in my reader now and going to be a regular there.

Thanks for sharing. I’ll try to catch up with her older posts as well.

sAg_NiK said...

"each n every human ........ intimate thoughts with somebody"
"Spot on !! I completely agree with you. Then what is the problem ?"

The problem starts when our partners share his/her intimate thoughts more with others(frnd etc) than us! :-((

Saying this,i must confess that,it's a very delicate n emotional issue.... & unfortunate thing's even if ur partner stopped conversation with his/her 'special frnd'(due to ur typical possesive act etc.) NOT means he/she will share those thoughts with ya! So what's the gain ???

It's a spontaneous n subtle thing (sharing each others every thoughts,feelings etc)....u can ONLY expect & just can't force :-)

About physical issue (though it's an off-topic here, i guess)...frankly, ALL our insecurity initiates frm this very thought...'does my partner shares physical intimacy with his/her special frnd?' ....

I bet,if somehow we convinces that 'they' don have such relation.....ONLY sharing some thoughts willn't bother us (at lst me :-))

Cuckoo said...

Fleiger,
Yes, you are right. It definitely helps you if you know the existence of such friendships.

Females have a tougher job ?? Some other time. It was in context with the scenario I have described in this post.

Cuckoo said...

Ajeya,
Thank you very much.
OK, another one to disagree on something here. :-)
Well, I agree with you on men’s behaviour being noticed more compared to women’ but do you really think the women in our society have an equal say ?? Read that Anonymous's comment in bold. He has described it beautifully.

I am glad that you too have such a friend of opposite gender with whom you can share things.

i think its all in the attitude… Absolutely correct. :-)

sAg_NiK said...

Cuckoo said,
"we do feel restless when our partner talks about his/her intimacy with some other person of our gender. And yes, it requires a lot of guts, trust and courage to accept that person. And it depends from person to person how s/he takes it. "

well done !!!
U shud say it in ur post at very first place!! Then all these arguments wouldn't happen.

....BUT, it's nice to see how many pple personaly think abt this very delicate issue :-)

P.S.- Hey,sorry 4 being hyper...but, think it wasn't too harsh n personal :-)

Cuckoo said...

Black King,
Oh yeah, courtesy you. :-) Now I am wondering why I picked it up from your blog !!

Well, I also maintain that it can happen anywhere with anyone but this is seen more in men of our country, that's what I observed. Request you to read the comments of Anonymous written in bold. That will clarify it I guess.

Cuckoo said...

Adi,
Thank you. Is it SOME ??

what do i do, as i can see both sides of the argument? .. You just put forth YOUR unbiased views. :-)

And I agree with you on your views. :-)

Fleiger said...

It was in context with the scenario I have described in this post.

Are you telling me that the scenario in the post will be any different if the genders are reversed? Something regarding felines is trying to enter my mind, I am not sure what though ;)

Celestine said...

oh this doesn jus occur with indian men babe, it occurs with all guys belonging to that group of fearful, insecure, vulnerable men. and then again it occurs with women too... the same fearful, insecure, vulnerable group.

we dont understand unconditionally loving enough. and we dont get trusting and letting go enough. basically what we are used to and know is to invade, control and use methods to secure our love.

Mumbai Guy said...

Cuckoo Ji, If I had to butter you up, I would have said your blog post is good and awesome and blah blah blah. That would have been not honest. SO not sure why you are getting it as NOT honest. I dont like being superficial and your thinking otherwise proves you are again wrong.

You dont have to refer me to sidebar, I did already and that is why I concluded my previous comment as - your blog, your thoughts'.

I still maintain you are very wrong in classifying all indians as insecure and you need to do some more homework before throwing such blanket statements. For now I am sure and with little doubt that you have lot in world to see and experience.

Have fun.

Peter said...

Coucou (almost "cuckoo"), as we say in French! Meaning just to say "hello" and to say that I have gone thorugh all the 67 comments! (This is normally number 68.) A hot topic!

AJEYA RAO said...

I would just like to say that this insecurity, is only because of possesivness in a relationshhip.....how many women here dont want their spouse to be slightly possesive about them?

on the other hand.....my friends (boys) have avoided their girl friends after marriages....now why do you think that happens?

So this is no boy or girl nature....its just common human tendency to feel posessive of the partner.

P.S - Cuckoo i think anon who has writen in bold, has drifted way offf from the topic and moved to voice of women in india...i agree to her point but it is noway related to this topic of maintaining friendship with opposite sex after wedding.

Vaidya said...

Good hot debate going on !!! Its nice to see many observations till now..
Coming on to your post its a feeling that everyone experiences. Well, i must say that all of us have an amount of insecure feeling within us no matter what. Men or women ..well i say from an individual perspective this particular may vary.. some are very emotional..possessive ...some broad-minded...so it differs totally.

Some simple things i feel when we are in a relation..
Have bilateral trust and no space for doubts or unfaithful feeling to dwell in.. as this will indeed effect the link you are speaking.
Also when we (first person) are in a relation with a person (second person) try to first understand what kind of relation that person has with other person ( so called third person). Then make a decision.
So its my view though ..but irrespective of any gender can be followed.

Ashish Soni said...

Thr r few things which guys are looking for girls and the vice-versa.
Now it is impossible for a single person to have all the qualities so the person haunts out for other options.
Now the thing is not about the male mentality or female mentality but its more of a social stigma associated with the "other relationships"........now since the society is male dominated...so if the subject is male, things are taken with not so much attention...but if the center of attraction is a female...thn all sorts of comments will star pouring in....so rather thn thinking about individual as the culprit for your topic.....i would say that the society is such that it has transformed the individuals into the current situation.........
......and it will take ages to eliminate this stigma...

desh said...

Platonic is wht some ppl may term it, "we are just frnds" kinda relationship the others

I dunno, maybe I am not as well versed about relationships, but such kind of differences do exist. But i presume it can be similar vica versa, give it a thought

anyway the "tears.." post was awesome :)

Kalyan said...

hmmmm Cuckoo, after going through all the previous comments, I am thinking, is there anything left for me to say anymore. Perhaps I'm too late in the party. Just to keep it in brief I can only say we just have to take a deep hard re-look at our society, and it is, We who have to change the society and lastly I think in any relationship its better to be honest than to be sorry!

Ash said...

Interesting post Cuckoo!

I'm with Peter. Get a non-Indian partner!!

mur said...

I would say most men are insecure, in all cultures. And it's the process of admitting it and overcoming it in a socially responsible way that is the mark of a true man.
As for non-sexual relationships I think again, as guys are wired differently to girls, that the biological blueprint that controls them, is subconsciously retained as their perception of all males, no matter who they are. So maybe it's not so much the woman they don't trust, rather it's other men who will act on their deeper instincts rather than on their harmless social manners.

GMG said...

Hi Cuckoo,
Thanks for your comment on my blog. I wqas out in Greece and survived the Greek fires. Actually I was in the Islands (Kos, Crete and Mykonos) where there were no fires; only the island of Evia was somehow affected. I�m glad to be back and catch up your posts!
Well, with regard to your interesting post , everything is said. I would tend to agree with Peter and Ash...
As far as my posts are concerned, I�m late. So, my posts at Blogtrotter are still in Bali 2005. Hope you enjoy it, anyhow!
Have a great weekend!

david mcmahon said...

Dear Cuckoo,

I pray that your man will love you with all his heart, respect you with all his soul and cherish you with all of his being.

God bless

David

Madhavi said...

Wel Cuckoo,
I guess evrythng has already been neatly discussed n explained :P so leaves me with nothing more to say.But just wnted to say I totally second u on nt leavng out my special (male frnd) whn my "MR" walks in y shud I ..i wont :) But dunno know y but i feel Insecurity is just like a spice in this life without which maybe life wouldnt b life..I believe it even kinda makes u feel more demanded n importnt bt it shud draw its limits it shud nt gve rise to misunderstngs or ne any kinda mishaps..n nt tht I support it bt.. n m sure a Lady who is fully aware of the Ropes of insecurity can't b tht easily swept off :) hai na.
Mez confused na !!!!
Really put down quite wel n really
both the posts ( I mean Black's n ur post) made me realise somethng meaningful.Thxs :)

MONA said...

This is a universal issue. It is indeed unfair. what is good for the gander should be good for the goose too!
Thankfully I am fortunate that way!

Hope you shall be too! :)

~nm said...

WOW! I'm here first time and I'm just speechless looking at the number of visitors that you got. On first thoughts I decide not to comment thinking it will get lost in the whole loads that you have already received. But on second thoughts I am here and commenting.

I agree with someone who said its not just about Indian men. Its about Men in general. Quite an interesting and to the point post.

WIll keep coming in here often now! And thanks for dropping by at my blog.

Anonymous said...

Your post forced me to think. And I agree with you on many of the points that we indian males are very much like this. I am not worried abt othrs in other country. let us accept abt ourselves first.

i have to admit that i am one of those who'll be uncomfortable if my wife is close to some other male even if he is her cousin. I will want her to be with me. to share things with me only.

I am possessive about her. commenting as anonymous bcoz dont want my identity revealed.

sorry for commenting late. was out of town.

sAg_NiK said...

#Cuckoo: NO reply for sooo long time!!
hmmmm...... It's like Cuckoo still busy to share her intimate thoughts wid her 'special frnd(s) ;-))

Lolzz

Hey, just kidding,but back here soon :-)

rOmpy said...

Hi Cuckoo,

Very Hard Topic but very nicely put down. I don't know what to say. Can't say that whatever you have written here is not correct. But I am not sure that the same is false for women as well. I think these natural tendencies to become insecure are present with men and women alike. My girlfriend doesn't like the fact that some other girl approached me. Though I myself told her everything. :)
The same is for me. I hate when she tells me about some of her very close friends who were male. Also, I have been the best friend of a girl who had a steady relationship with somebody else!

Such situations and possessiveness can't be stopped. We need to maturely handle it. But surely, unlike easily said, it is very very difficult to pursue.
Really you have given something for all of us to think.

--Regards

KT said...

hey cuckoo,

seems I have turned an "blog-atheist" these days...

anyways I didn't have the courage to go thru entire comments but I did go through some key ones.

And I agree that this is present to varying degrees in everyone, after all its a basic instinct.

I feel that if I have such friends I would try to make sure that she is "our" friend, this might mean a little talking on all sides and if she has a frnd, I wud like to be frnd to him too. In both cases just ensuring that fun is shared amongst pati, patni and spouse's frnds.

so much for the gyaan... abt ur question

Tomorrow if your wife tells you that she has one male friend for last so many years with whom she shares all the secrets (including dark ones) & is very comfortable in doing so, what would be your reaction ?


I would feel bad because I think she should have trusted me enough to disclose it to me first... I think the female will witness the same things in her case.


@ Anonymous,

nice observations, but I think everyone is a little insecure in an unnatural setting, plus lots of cultural, social and personal ethos.

backpakker said...

I think everyone is insecure at some point of time or another...very often I wonder id the " friend" in question behaves just as a "friend" or otherwise...often insecurity seeps in when the thin line between friendship and a relationship merges

Cuckoo said...

Pijush,
Well, Pijush, if you read carefully my question was for all.. not only for you but you took it onto you. I fail to understand why ? Other people came, saw this question, and have answered it without any problem.

The following lines were just too sarcastic, if you want to know and I appreciate that anonymous who tried to answer you for your so off-track question !!

“May I ask you, what will you do if your BF( or would be Hubby) shares physical intimacy with another girl?
So now its my time to laugh in your comment.”
.

I have never spoken about the physical intimacy in my post. Read it again, my dear friend. Also, I never said it is not present in the females, only the degree differs and it absolutely depends on an individual.

Read your first comment to me where you have written about dark secrets, how you can relate it to the post? I have not found anything there related to dark secrets!!.... READ (not browse) the post again, dear friend.

Now I am a bad boy as I don’t agree with you... You are wrong. You are still the same Pijush for me. I have even commented on your blog after all this happened here & will continue to do the same but somehow your perspective of Cuckoo has changed so much so that you had to remove her from your Technorati favourites !! Oh well, that shows it all, Pijush. Thanks.

I think I should have been offended.

Cuckoo said...

Sag_Nik,
Thanks for understanding the finer points, SagNik. For some people it really takes efforts to do this.

Yes, it indeed is a delicate issue.

Hey, sorry 4 being hyper... It is ok, it happens with all of us, the keypoint is how coolly we take on from there. :-)

Keep coming.

Cuckoo said...

Fleiger,
Yes, I think if the genders are reversed, the scenario will be slightly changed. I am talking about the Indian scenario not only the metro one.

Celestine,
Well, if you read my post carefully, I never said it doesn’t happen anywhere else. And it always depends/varies from person to person.

Cuckoo said...

MG,
It is great to know that you don’t like to be superficial and thanks for reminding me that I have yet to see the world. Yes, I am a naïve out here !!

You too have fun, dear friend !

Cuckoo said...

Ajeya,
how many women here dont want their spouse to be slightly possessive about them?.. It goes well for men too.

my friends (boys) have avoided their girl friends after marriages.... That’s what I said in the post that women also have to avoid their male friends as that’s what is expected of them.

That anon is a ‘he’ if you read carefully. :-)

Cuckoo said...

Vaidya,
I totally agree with you.

Also when we (first person) are in a relation with a person (second person) try to first understand what kind of relation that person has with other person ( so called third person). Then make a decision… Spot on !!

Keep coming.

Cuckoo said...

Ashish,
You have an interesting way to explain all this. I liked this. Well said. Keep it up.

Desh,
Yeah, you can term it that.

And thanks for the ‘Tears of joy” post. That post is liked by many people and is one of the top three most read posts. :-)
And it talks about platonic relationship.

Cuckoo said...

Kalyan,
I totally agree with you. We can not blame society for everything. The society is made of people like you, me and all others. The onus is onto us how we look into the ‘problem’.

Ash,
Aaah Ash, it is so easy to say that. What about the people who already have a partner ? What should they do ?

Cuckoo said...

Mur,
maybe it's not so much the woman they don't trust, rather it's other men who will act on their deeper instincts… Wow ! You came up with a new perspective ! Glad to see that coming from a male! It is not that males do not trust their partners but it is the other male they are afraid of . Well said, Mur.

Cuckoo said...

Gil,
I am glad that you came back safely. Gil, you too ??

Have checked your posts. Don’t worry, sooner or later I am there on your blog.

Cuckoo said...

David,
First, I would like thank you for mentioning this post of mine for “Post of the Day”. I am honoured once again. Thanks a lot.

And thank you for all your good wishes. :-)

Cuckoo said...

Madhavi,
Thank you for liking the post. Yes, I agree possessiveness should always be there, without it what’s life.. but not to an extent where we try to rein our partners.

Thanks once again.

Mona,
Welcome abroad !!

Yeah, indeed unfair.
Thanks for your visit, keep coming.

Cuckoo said...

NM,
Welcome abroad !!

Well, don’t be speechless. :-) And I am glad that you put forward your valuable comments here. No, they don’t get lost; I read and sooner or later reply to each one of them.

Thanks for liking the post & yes, do keep coming back.

Cuckoo said...

Anonymous no.2,
I very much appreciate your honesty in putting your naked views. Thank you very much.

SagNik,
Sometimes I too need a break. ;)

Cuckoo said...

Rompy,
Hi Rompy, welcome here after a loooong time. I am glad that this post forced you to comment here again. :-)

Well, as I said this is true for both the genders and according to me only the degree varies due to various factors. Of course, it also depends from person to person how s/he takes it. And we need to handle this delicate issue very carefully.

Your girlfriend ? That's Akansha, right ?

Thanks for dropping by, keep coming more often.

Cuckoo said...

KT,
Wow ! I am so glad to see you & Rompy both for this post. That shows I can still write something to ponder about. :-)
I appreciate the fact that you went through some of the 'important' comments. And I agree with your ‘this is present to varying degrees in everyone, after all its a basic instinct’.

I also appreciate about your views to become a group of three whosoever’s friend s/he would be.

And many thanks for letting us know your answer to my question. Much appreciated.

Thanks for dropping by, don’t be so busy. Keep coming Java Bond. :P

P.S.- This is 100th comment on the post !! Wow, century !!

Cuckoo said...

Backpakker,
very often I wonder if the " friend" in question behaves just as a "friend" or otherwise... Hmmm.. well, I think that can happen only when we are not sure of either us or our partners.

Thanks for your visit. Keep coming.

Priyank said...

अरे देवा
एकशे दोन टिपण्या !
Liked the way you keep this huge tree and branches in shape !

Cuckoo said...

प्रियंक,
हार्दिक धन्यवाद् | :D
It's all because of you guys. Thanks a ton !

Ranjeet said...

Hi Cuckoo,

That's a debate topic and a deliate one at the same time as it involves human relationships.

One universal truth is - Most of the logical people, when in love, act just the opposite of what they would like to be. Now that is not an excuse for those who are possessive, but really a fact which not many people would want to admit.

Also a lot depends on the relationship the couple has - is it shallow / deep? open/closed? close/not-so-close? secrets / no-secrets? etc.

However, it is a personal issue between a couple and should always remain so. It can be but need not be dicussed in public domain as a generalization since it involves lot of variable factors which depend on circumstances between both partners.

Havnig said that, I feel that a touch of jealousy is probably natural in lovers but over-possessiveness is dangerous - as is anything that becomes an obsession.

Maturity and understnading are two pillars of a relatioship apart from the pillars of feelings one has towards another. And these two puilars are the only solution to such issues.

SiD said...

I think the problem starts when you don't share something with your partner and do that with the close friend... the first thing that a life partner is that is the closest friend of yours - with whom you share everything.. and if you share something with him/her, the desire to share that thing with another friend many times vanes away... but again even if you do, if it makes you comfortable then it should not be any problem to your partner.. ya the problem arises due to the ego "if she can discuss with him...why not discuss with me.. after all i am her best friend"
if you are not discussing something with your partner..and doing that with another friend first, then may be it means that one is not comfortable in the relationship...
the first thing to know your mind goes to your closest friend.. and after marriage it is the partner who is your best buddy - nothing hiding from him/her... second, third, fourth - anyone can be there.. and i dont think it should be a problem for the first friend....
i dont know.. kuch to llikh diya.. writing as the thoughts were coming... hope it makes some sense... ;)

Sigma said...

I have made a very late entry here ... came thrice before to make a comment, but could not do so due to various reasons. And now there are so many comments here, that it is not possible to go through whole of the discussion. But still, I'd like to share my perspective, apologies if it has been discussed before.

I would tend to agree that males are more possessive in this respect, and I think it would be same world-wide, no need to single out Indian ones :-)

But, in the end, it is a matter of trust, for both partners. The first question is that why do you feel bad if your partner has a friend of opposite gender, with whom he/she shares secrets [I am taking from the context that there are no issues if the close friend is of the same gender as the partner] - the basic reason is suspicion and/or jealousy. But if you have confidence in your partner, there will be no place for either.

I will feel bad if my partner shares secrets with another friend [irrespective of the gender], and feels unable to tell me about the same. But the point is, the feeling is not related to the gender of the friend. Both me and my partner have close friends [of college time] of opposite sex, but neither of us has a problem with the other about this. We communicate with our friends independently, and have even met each other's friends.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Ha! Oh Cuckoo, it is not only the Indian male who is guilty of this, believe me. It is an age old phenomemon. Look at the animal species - it is very apparent especially there. Humans try to pretend otherwise, but we are not so very far behind them!

niki yokota said...

very interesting topic, cuckoo-chan!!
i think if it is not intimate, men do not care these days.
if only this male friend is married and not handsome.
if he is single and attractive, u had better keep it secret to avoid misunderstanding ;)
same thing applied to us.
i dont care my boy friend's seeing his femal friends, who are married and not attractive.

Cuckoo said...

Ranjeet,
It is a very delicate topic and varies from person to person and yes, many people would not want to admit it in public or even in front of their partners.

I think it happens with both the genders but somehow I feel that ladies (at least in India) don’t have much say if their partners still want to go ahead with such friendships whereas they have to break it off. Of course, exceptions are always there in every field.

Cuckoo said...

SiD,
if she can discuss with him...why not discuss with me.. after all i am her best friend… SiD, I think you are wrong here. You are ASSUMING that the partner is her best friend.

I am talking about a very simple case of an Indian couple where the female already has a very close male friend and she gets married to someone else.. need not be her best friend. A typical arranged marriage scenario or something like that.

Now, it is absolutely not necessary that the couple have same wavelength or have same tastes, likes/dislikes.
In that case, won’t she be missing her friend .. just to share something or to understand her better ?? Won't she be craving for a friend in true sense ?

Cuckoo said...

Sigma,
Yes, absolutely right. If you have trust and some openness (w/o jealousy or suspicion), you can still ‘allow’ your partner to have that friend.
The question is how many of us can really do it ? Even the well educated people fail to do it or admit it many times.

Cuckoo said...

Carol,
I had some doubts that it is spread all over the world, you folks are only confirming it now. :-)

Oh I thought some of the animals don’t mind it. ;)

Niki,
Thank you niki-chan.

i dont care my boy friend's seeing his female friends, who are married and not attractive…. Ha Ha.. your logic is so different.

Thanks for dropping by.

alpine path said...

Wow!! Such a good post and such varied views on it :) But I agree with you, Cuckoo! Most Indian men are queasy when it comes to their partners having close male friends. Even the women are queasy but they atleast try to accept it. While the men don't. And that makes all the difference in the world. And, its the partner who has to take the delicate decision between mate and friend. And its usually the friend who loses :(

Cuckoo said...

Alpine,
Thank you for liking the post. Yes, you are on the same track as me.

SiD said...

I understand the scenario you are taking about....newly weds.. don't know each other.. but that is where the trust.. the friendship is required to be built up...Yes. it takes some time and during that time there should not be any problem for anyone to mind discussions with others.... but after a certain level of closeness is built up (which is quite quick in case of marriages because there is a physical aspect to the relationship) then gradually the need for other friends fades away slowly... that is what I feel...

get well soon with your eye flu...

Raghu said...

Wow.... what a topic to discuss...
Well written Cuckoo and a heart felt thanks for ur Blog readers for expressing their thoughts....

Well i really dont know how to react in this situvation.... still wondering

Cuckoo said...

Sid,
Yes, I also feel so. But what if the couple is as diverse as possible in nature, liking etc. ? Ek din to doosra raat and one of them 'feels' to talk out to his/her friend? I mean first, they shouldn't have married at all in that case. But it happens many times.

BTW, This post was a result of knowing such a couple.

What get well.. I am down with so many things. :(

Raghu,
First I welcome you to my blog. Thanks for liking the post.

Did you go through all the comments ? Great...

i really dont know how to react in this situvation.... still wondering... I hope you'd have stopped wondering by now. :-)

Thanks for your visit. Keep coming.

P.S.- I can not see your blog. How do I get there ?

KT said...

@ Cuckoo's last 2 responses to Sid's reply:

well in the context that you put I think the onus on building trust between the partners is with the partners, females shudn't assume that male wud do the bonding and likewise for males.

Now with female undergoing arranged marriage but having a good friend is a real life scenario but atleast ppl need to understand what responsibilities lay ahead in marriage, urs pt is like saying "I didn't know marriage wud be like this and I will have to make efforts for bonding ...so I will choose to be open to my frnd which is convenient to me" ... mind you this feeling is in neutral gender so good for anyone...

and plus I think bond become stronger when u become open abt things that u initially feel inhibited to talk abt.... just some more gyann :)